


Memories

by DemonBanisher



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Dementors, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Lie Low At Lupin's (Harry Potter), M/M, Memories, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovered Memories, Repressed Memories, Trauma, potions gone wrong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:33:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24639199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DemonBanisher/pseuds/DemonBanisher
Summary: Sirius has been trying to find a potion to get back his memories he lost to the Dementors. He thinks he finally has it right, when suddenly things go very very wrong and he can't stop reliving his past.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 33





	Memories

**Author's Note:**

> CW: short section about an attempted suicide
> 
> Hi!! It's late and I'm very tired but I just got this idea and I needed to get it out. Sirius and Remus have been through so much.   
> Sorry if there's any typos.

Sirius finished the potion. He knew he shouldn’t be rushing, but he was terrified it wouldn’t be done if Remus came home early and he didn’t want Remus to know he was doing this. 

There was a puff of smoke and then everything settled flat. He lifted the tiny cauldron and poured the mixture into a vial. He took one look at the sludgy green liquid and then he downed it. 

He closed his eyes and tried to remember Remus and his first kiss. Still nothing, just a blank black wall. A void where one of his happiest memories should have been. He flopped onto the couch and sighed deeply. He was really hoping he had found the right potion this time. Glancing quickly at the wall he realized there was still a few hours until Remus was supposed to be home but not enough time to start over. That would have to wait until later. 

He ran his hands through his messy black hair and tried not to think of everything the Dementors had taken from him. Everything he was slowly trying to get back. It was like his life was full of holes and all the parts he wanted to remember he couldn’t. He’d just find himself up against a wall or tumbling down a void. 

Remus never pushed him to talk about Azkaban and Sirius never wanted to talk about it anyways. So he couldn’t blame him that he didn’t know how much he was missing, but every time Remus started to say “Do you remember when?” Sirius felt his blood begin to boil. The truth was he wasn’t mad at Remus, he could never be. He was mad at everyone. He was mad at the world for everything it had taken from him. For how unjust it had all been. His life had been a trainwreck. All the abuse and turmoil he’d suffered growing up. The way he still flinched every time a dish broke or a door closed too loudly. But then there had been Hogwarts and Sirius found himself baffled that he could fall in love. He had been happy with Remus, he was happy with Remus, but then all of that was ripped from him again. And the moments, the instances of pure joy he was desperate to remember, were gone. 

He sighed deeply and got up from the couch and went to clean up the mess he had made. He turned around to put the cauldron back in its place and almost dropped it in shock when he saw the back of Remus’ curls poking over the couch. 

“Crowley Remus, I didn’t even here you come in. Give a guy some warning next time.” Sirius said as he felt his heartbeat return to its regular rhythm. He only made it another step into the living room before he stopped cold. Remus was crying. 

“Rems, honey, what’s –“ but then the cauldron was rolling on the floor and the room was spinning and suddenly he was no longer in their apartment but in the Gryffindor common room. Remus was still on the couch crying but here too was himself. Younger and scraggly but still him. 

“Remus, hey, what’s wrong?” Younger Sirius asked as he uncurled his legs from the chair he was sitting on and moved to sit next to Moony on the couch. 

“I’m so sorry, Pads. It’s just I can’t do this anymore.” 

Sirius reached out for him and Remus quickly pulled away. 

“Talk to me Moons.”

“I can’t live like this anymore Pads, I can’t be this person. You all are so kind to me. You treat me like a friend, like an equal and I’ll never be equal. You don’t understand what I’m capable of, what I’ve done.” He pulled his hands away from his face and played with the frayed ends of sweater while staring intently at the floor. “You all deserve so much better than me.”

“Stop that Moony,” Sirius said grabbing his hand. “Look at me Rems.”

Remus lifted his head to look to look at Sirius. He sniffled and used his sleeve to wipe the tears and snot from his face. 

“You are not a monster. You could never be a monster. Shit, Moony if you knew half the shit I’ve done you’d kick me to the curb. But we both know you wouldn’t do that because you are good friend and an even better person. I want you in my life Moons, no matter how dark it gets. No matter what happens. We’re a pack and we got to stick together, okay?”

Remus nodded gently.

“But what if-“ and he moved to turn away again but Sirius caught him by the chin. And suddenly everything felt too close. Like it was too much. Sirius ‘skin was on fire. 

“Moony,” Sirius said.

“Pads,” Remus voice was barely a whisper. 

Remus went to say something else but before he could Sirius crossed the distance between them and planted his lips firmly on Remus’. Remus pulled away quickly with a gasp, bringing his hand up to trace over the shape of his lips. 

“Fuck, I’m so sorry Moony,” Sirius said standing up quickly and going to leave. “I shouldn’t have done anything. It’s just-“ and he paused tugging his hands through his hair in that way he did when was nervous and too overcome with emotion to think of anything else to say. 

“Sirius,” Remus said, catching him by the wrist before he could turn away.

Sirius’ head snapped back and he glared at Remus’ hand on his wrist like it was a foreign object. 

“Me too,” Remus said and pulled Sirius back onto the couch and into another kiss and suddenly all hesitation and fear was gone. All that was left was simply two broken boys who when they held each other felt for a moment like they were complete. 

The older Sirius smiled at this moment. This wasn’t what the potion was supposed to do, he must have used too much of something. Ginseng maybe? But it was nice to be back here again, to see him and Moony together when they were young and fiery and full of hope. It felt nice to remember. But he barely had time to cherish the feeling before his stomach lurched and he was elsewhere again. 

Sirius was standing in front of the door to the bathroom in their dormitory. He knew that much, but where and why he was here he wasn’t sure. He watched himself, still young, but older than the last memory, come running into the room and start pounding on the door. 

“Remus!!” He yelled, and Sirius was shocked to hear the worry and concern in his own voice. “Remus! Let me come in!” He began banging louder and louder on the door. He pulled out his wand and tried an Alohomora spell but Remus had been smart enough to charm the door locked. 

“Moony, let me in!!” The young Sirius called again, his voice almost breaking. “Rems, I just need to know that you’re okay! Let me see!” Nothing. Silence. The older Sirius felt his heart start to pick up. What had happened to Remus? Why wasn’t he okay? And why could he still not remember?

“I’m kicking the door down!” Sirius yelled. “Three. Two.”

“Wait!” Remus’ voice stopped Sirius in the middle of his windup and he suddenly crumpled. The fight gone out of him as he leaned his forehead against the door and held his hand up against the old wood. 

“You got to let me in.” Sirius said, and the older version knew he was no longer talking about just the door. 

“Hold on,” Remus said and Sirius stood up so he wouldn’t fall when Remus opened the door. 

The door squeaked and opened, and Remus stepped out into the light. As he raised his head to look at Sirius, he could see that his face was a mess. There were deep gashes that had pulled his skin open in places and still seemed to be oozing puss and blood, most of his face was a deep shade of purple that appeared to be one never-ending bruise and, his one eye was so swollen that he could barely see out of it. 

“Moons,” Sirius said quietly, reaching for Remus’ hand.

“Don’t.” Remus said pulling back quickly. “I don’t want your pity.”

Sirius looked like he was gearing up for a fight but instead he just sighed deeply.

“You’re beautiful.”

“I’m what?” Remus said.

“Beautiful,” Sirius said again. “Your face could look like a house elf’s rear and you would still be beautiful.”

“Okay, that was sweet but now you’re just being weird.”

“I’m sorry we couldn’t protect you better last night. Things just got so out of hand and I-“

“It’s okay Pads, I’ve gotten messed up worse than this before. It’s just- I’ve never cared about what I’ve looked like before. Not before you. I just get so scared sometimes that one day you’ll wake up and realize you made a mistake and leave me.”

“Never.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

“Good. Now let me help you get cleaned up.”

The two boys slipped back into the bathroom and Sirius helped heal and bandage Remus’ wounds with the gentlest of touches. 

“Where’d you learn how to do all this? You never pay attention in class.” Remus asked, trying to laugh but flinching at the pain it caused.

“Had to learn how to clean myself up once my parents were finished with me.” Sirius said. 

Remus’ smile fell and he reached down and gave Sirius’ hand a reassuring squeeze.

The older Sirius watched this quiet moment and knew what the younger version of himself was thinking. He was thinking that he could not love Remus Lupin more than he did in this moment. Damn he was wrong. Sirius felt himself tear up as he thought about the promise he had made. The promise he had broken. Not by choice of course. But for twelve years he had left Remus. His cell in Azkaban had a perfect view of the moon. As if the Dementors had picked it for him as a special form of torture. 

There was a tugging at his gut and the room swirled away from him again.

“WHERE WERE YOU?” A voice screamed.

“ON A MISSION!” Came the reply. “Where the fuck else would I be?!”

Oh god, oh no, Sirius knew this memory. He turned around quickly looking for a way out. He closed his eyes and willed himself back to the living room but when he opened them, he was still trapped here. Reliving this nightmare. 

Sirius watched himself, now in his early twenties, come storming into the living area of his first flat. The flat him and Remus had shared together. 

“What fucking mission?” Remus screamed chasing after him.

“You know I can’t bloody well tell you that!”

“Tell me what?!”

“Where I was! What I was doing! We have to keep things private! We don’t know who we can trust!”

Sirius watched as Remus looked like he had been slapped across the face. God, he wanted out of this memory right now.

“Right,” Remus said turning away from Sirius. “People we can trust.” The emphasis came out on the last word, Remus had spat it out like it was venom.

Sirius reached for Remus’ shoulder, “Rem I-“

“Don’t touch me.” Remus said swatting his arm out of the way. He turned to face Sirius, his face flushed. His eyes were brimming with angry tears he refused to acknowledge. “So you think I’m the spy? Is that it?”

“Rems, I’m sorry. It’s just-“

“Just what, Sirius? Just that you don’t even trust your own boyfriend anymore?”

“I’m so sorry, Moony. I’m so sorry,” Sirius was shaking now and tears were streaming down his cheeks. “Tell me what I need to do. Tell me how to fix this.”

“Talk to me, goddammit. What took you so long? What happened?”

“Moony I-“

“Dammit Sirius, just tell me something real.” Remus said grasping onto Sirius’ wrists a little too tightly.

“I love you,” Sirius said, but the words came out all wrong. He tripped over all the syllables and it came from his head not from his heart. 

Remus dropped his hands as he stepped back. 

“Remus?” Sirius said.

“Don’t.” Remus said raising his hands up in front of him. “I can’t look at you right now. I need to go.” He made his way out of the kitchen and fumbled quickly with his jacket and shoes. He paused for a moment at the front door. As if he wanted to turn around. As if he was trying to think of the right words to fix this. But he didn’t. He left. And both Siriuses flinched as he slammed the door behind him. 

The memories were out of control now. They were coming back to him so fast. Some that he hadn’t remembered. Some that he did. 

It was the morning after Sirius had sent Snape into the shack. He was visiting Remus in the infirmary. 

“Remus, I’m so sorry, I thought it would get him to leave us alone. I didn’t think anything bad would happen.”

Remus rolled away from him, pulling the sheets tight against himself. 

“Remus, please I just thought-“

Remus sat bolt upright in the bed. His eyes aflame with an anger that Sirius had never seen before. 

“You just thought what?! That he’d leave us alone if I mauled him to death?”

“Remus, no- I- just listen to me-“

“No. You listen. You told me you loved me. I trusted you and you-” Remus went to stand up and his legs gave out from under him and he crashed to floor.

“Moony, are you alright?” Sirius said bending down to help him up.

“How could you?” Remus said breaking down into sobs. 

Mme Pomfrey hurried to help him up. She looked sternly at Sirius before telling him that she thought it best if he left. 

The scene swirled again. Remus’ heartwrenching “How could you?” echoing in Sirius’ ears. 

They were seventeen and having sex for the first time. Moony was screaming his name like it was the most beautiful word he’d ever heard. 

Sirius was fifteen and his mother had just found out he was gay. She’d used the Cruciatus curse on him. Bending and contorting his body into every form she could think of. Hoping that somehow when she left him lying on the floor he’d finally be straight. 

Sirius was standing on the edge of the astronomy tower, ready to jump. 

“Don’t do this,” Remus was saying, sobbing quietly.

“You don’t understand,” Sirius said numbly. “I don’t have a family now. What do I have left?”

“You have me, Sirius, you have me.”

He tumbled off of the window ledge and into Remus’ arms and Remus just held him and let him cry until he finally drifted off to sleep. Remus stays awake all night combing through Sirius’ hair wondering how he couldn’t see how badly he was hurting. Trying not to think about the way he almost lost him. 

Smack. Walburga hit him across the face. 

Peter Pettigrew was laughing at him as Sirius held his wand to his throat. Knowing for the first time in his life he could truly kill someone. 

Remus was crying in their bed and Sirius pretended to be asleep. Continuing to lay with his back to him. The space between them a canyon. 

“Promise me you’ll take care of him if anything happens,” James said, looking at Harry fast asleep in Sirius’ arms. Sirius’ promised. James and Lily died. Sirius was sent millions of miles away from Harry to Azkaban.

Sirius was packing up the last of his things when a voice came from the doorway. “What are you doing?” Regulus asked. Sirius tells him he’s leaving. Regulus doesn’t stand in his way. Sirius doesn’t tell him how much he loves him.

The memories come rushing towards him. Over and over again. A soundtrack of his pain and misery. A reminder of everything he has lost. 

“Stop!” Sirius screamed, pressing his hands to his ears and squeezing his eyes shut. “Make it stop! Please make it stop!” He curls up into a ball and presses himself into a corner but it’s no good. They can still find him here. Their faces loomed over him like ghouls. Sirius sobbed and wrapped his arms tighter around his knees. Begging and pleading for this nightmare to be over with. So that he can stop reliving it.

“Sirius?” A voice cut through the roar. “Oh my god, Sirius are you okay?”

The soundtrack silences, but Sirius can still hear the echo.

“Sirius look at me. What happened?” 

Sirius slowly opened his eyes. He was back in the living room and Remus was looking at him terrified. But it is his Moony. The wrinkled and creased Moony he fell back in love with. The sobs came again as Sirius threw his arms around Remus. 

“I couldn’t make it stop. I couldn’t make it stop. I couldn’t-“ Sirius repeated over and over as he got tears and snot all over the shoulder of Remus’ sweater. And he held onto him like he’s his lifeboat. Like he’s the only thing that Sirius knows is real. Because he is the only thing that Sirius knows is real. 

“It’s okay, it’s going to be okay,” Remus said rubbing gentle circles into Sirius’ back to help him calm down. 

Sirius clutched him closer. Listened to Moony tell him that everything was going to be alright. And maybe, just maybe some part of him believes he’s telling the truth.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope this wasn't too angsty. Please drop me a comment below with your thoughts!


End file.
